I am afraid of the sea, always have been. I am afraid of the vastness and the darkness beneath. Yet i am always drawn to it. Much like a lot of our feelings. The feeling of starting over but always afraid of the plausible flaw of the cogs running backwards in the machinery of our mind. The fear of loving too much or loving too little or not at all. The fear of getting mixed up between work and passion.
And if the demons of your own mind wernt terrifying enough, the world has slowly been engulfed by depersonalization disorder. A dreadful beach of repetitive patterns of inhumane atrocities. Monsters surfacing in the name of unlikely leaders, terrorism, statelessness, Syria, unfair policies and animosity in general. It’s somehow in fashion.
As if to strike back for our voluntary ignorance through millions of years.
Yet there are people who feel liberated by the sea, to swim and let the tides throw them in the direction it pleases. They’ll tell you “it’s not that bad”, that “it’ll get better”. They identify your disorder and help you turn it into coherent symbols ,ambition and sometimes even into art.
You may not be a Yayoi Kusama, but your insanity too has the power to save you and they will tell you this by just choosing to breathe next to you.
Like Maybe the thrill lies in the affirmation that they will get washed up at the shore no matter what.
They are enlightened enough to know that life has its hands firmly wrapped around you like an invisible rescue boat that will deploy as soon as fear tries to push its weight onto you and drown you. But what if the lungs give up midway? What if all of the sea enters your insides through your eyes and nostrils and empties all of your memories and imaginations?
Yet there are people who promise to hold your hand and guide you into the sea. They know that you are chicken shit and are missing out on something magical because you fear yourself more than the sea. It’s because they know that the sensation of the sand slipping under your feet as you walk into the vastness reminds you of your own insurmountable defeats and fears. Fear of aging, fear of not being successful, fear of getting stuck, fear of emptiness, fear of uncertainty. But most of all, fear of losing control.
They remind you everyday, ever so gently like the morning tides fused with the warmth of the rising sun touching the tip of your curled toes, that there are no monsters. Not in the sea, not inside you. Only sea shells holding memories of past regrets and hopes that glimmer like crystals which you want to fill your pockets with. Your precious little ‘Life collectibles’.
So on a fine Srilankan morning, when tourists are still asleep, and the sea seems welcoming, you walk past the curious barman and you stare straight into the sea. Piercing through everything that the sea is made of-time,sand, rocks, death,water,life. You wonder wandering through the wavering colossal ripples why this person even believes in you enough to fight for you through the storms you whirl up in your head everyday.
Through all the bad energy looming large, how does this person seem to stay afloat and how does this person ever find the courage to plunge and save you everyday?
And does the sea share your fears too? Is the sea sorry for ravaging ships that now lay asleep on its bed beneath?
As the questions start welling up a tornado inside, you realize that everybody is acting on fear and hope. You are the fear and they are the hope. And hope is the plank on which you sail across the most intimidating seas and truths. You will find this plank in the most unexpected of ways. Sometimes too soon, sometimes too late. You wont even realize how desperately you needed it until it just shows up, like the end of season sale!
So every time your fears thrust and try to drown you, hope will make sure the plank doesn’t turn you upside down. And then you’ll see, that the sea is only as big as your fears.
Maybe you cant swim as good, but you can learn to float with them.
And maybe, just maybe, the plank will be big enough for both. (you weren’t supposed to die Jack!)